The #metoo campaign has had a profound impact on the world.
Many women have been empowered to speak about abuse at the hands of men and a few of the more powerful of these have seen their careers ruined. Some will go to jail.
With the campaign has come the inevitable push-back from many men who feel victimised. These have been epitomised by the likes of Donald Trump.
My concern: If #metoo (and related activities/campaigns in this space) are to fundamentally change culture; change the system; the way men see, speak of and treat women, we (men) are going to need to get out of the extremes of this narrative and into a place where we can take individual responsibility for what women face daily all over the world – and change our behaviour accordingly.
The reality is that women from Boston to Burundi are oppressed and abused every day; they leave their homes rehearsing in their minds what they will do if they are set upon by men (physically and emotionally); they must fight a system that places women several rungs below men on life’s ladder; they are profoundly abused and dishonoured in myriad ways from the subtle to the horrific.
Is it not time for me as a man to stand up and say #metoo? I am not suggesting this as a campaign name – this is strictly for women in my view. I am saying, “#metoo – I have contributed to a system that places women below men in every way.”
This is different to the “men are trash” movement – although that is very powerful and necessary. This is about me outing myself and not just for the sake of it, but for a shift in my personal attitudes and behaviours; to create a consciousness in me as a man that I have a role to play in this thing.
Now, in my mind I immediately move to the extreme of this narrative when I write this and say: “I don’t need to speak up here. I am not an abuser as I have never done anything to a woman against her will. I have never raped, abused or groped a woman. I have never laid a finger on a woman.” But just because I haven’t necessarily done anything to women that would land me in jail or lose me my job does not mean I have not contributed to the subjugation, degradation or weakening of women; contributed to a system that places women in daily peril and in a constant state of preparedness for the inevitability of being taken advantage of by men. This becomes so much subtler than the abuses of the Harvey Weinsteins or the Bill Cosbys of this world. But, is it not day after day, incident after exhausting incident – just as damaging to women? Now, I am fairly and squarely on the hook.
What does this look like in real terms?
My name is Justin Foxton and I have contributed to a system that places women below men in every way.
I have done this by being male. This is not a crime but not actively fighting against male privilege is. This is not just an economic thing; this is a system thing.
I have done this by remaining naive about the many injustices committed against women daily in our world.
I have done this by listening to men trumpet their own positions of power, privilege and wealth knowing that they are standing on the broken backs of women.
I have done this by listening to sermons in which priests and pastors have misrepresented my faith by suggesting that men are dominant over women; that women should not be leaders at all.
That is enough for me to feel most vulnerable.
But that is how women feel all the time.
I need to feel that way to identify better with women.
#doyou?
Bravo Justin ???? Your final line summarizes it all so well for me (as a woman) : “I need to feel that way to identify better with women”… whilst I am a firm believer in open discussion and forms of diversity training which bring awareness to our plight; there are still some individuals who find it difficult to understand how and why women experience these tensions on a daily basis. Being able to identify a level of discomfort like you have, is admirable. Thank you for being a great example to those around you.
Thank you Kamie!
Thank you Justin, this is so true as I reflect and look back on my past career of 28 years in a corporate environment where I was so often challenged by my fellow colleagues. Love and enjoy reading your blog. Jessica
Thanks so much Jessica!
Here is an example of what you mean, something I witnessed a few days ago at Joburg airport Wimpy: At the next table a middle-aged, scruffy looking white male was talking an endless stream of B-S at a beautiful young black lady. He spoke loudly and brashly, she listened politely. The content of his never-ending monologue was mostly random nonsense, interspersed with uninvited personal information of a ‘gendered nature’, like how he just loves gorgeous blondes with long wavy hair, “I mean, who doesn’t?”, about his many girlfriends, about women’s wonderful smooth, fragrant skin compared to men’s horrible hairy, muscly bodies, things his ex-wife had said, how he really digs blondes, about speed dating, about how he finds Cape Town a good place to pick up girls, especially blondes, … On and on it went. “You really like your blondes,” she remarked dryly. Why did he go on about that? Was it to reassure her that she needn’t worry about him coming onto her, or what?
Whenever she tried to say something (which by the way was actually intelligible and worth listening to) he wouldn’t let her finish, but would interrupt her rudely and loudly with further BS. They did seem to know each other, but I had to make sure. So when she went to the bathroom, I followed, and flagged her down on the way out. “Are you ok?” I asked her. “Yes, why?” – “Do you know that guy at your table?” – “Yes, he is a colleague.” – “Ok, well, I just wanted to check, I couldn’t help overhearing. Wow, what a load of B-S!” – “I’m used to him. But why, what did you pick up?” – “Well it sounded like sexual harassment. And I just wanted to make sure you were alright.” – She laughed, and said “That is so sweet of you.” – “Yeah, well, funny things happen at airports.” I wanted to say “Sorry you have work with such a jerk”, but I left it. Now I’m thinking, I should have gone and said something to him too. But what can one say? And how would he have responded to a woman nearer his own age, and nowhere near as pretty as his colleague, telling him off? Hmm…
This is a classic! Thanks for sharing Marlies. A time will come when women like her see it, and speak out there and then. On the one hand we men need to take full responsibility. And on the other women have to take full responsibility. Thank you for saying something to her.
Thank you
Like you Justin, I am very aware of the injustice that is being committed on a daily basis at a systemic level. I also feel that I do not directly contribute to this abuse myself. So there is this nagging question of what am I called on to do? Clearly, like during apartheid, white people where the beneficiaries of the system, here men are the beneficiaries and why, at an intuitive or unconscious level would I break something down that is benefiting me and make me quite unpopular with some of my less conscious male colleagues!?
What I do know is that the high profile that Trump is getting we are definitely seeing a polarization and it seems to me quite self-evident how the “old” forces are kicking against the progress that we are seeing. I think that 20 or so years ago Trump may not have been seen as such an ogre.
Yes I fully agree – there has been significant progress in the past years. But your questions are vital if we are to continue this progress and indeed speed it up. What can each of us do? For me it all comes back to “what do we have in our hands?”. How do we use our privilege for good? You are doing this with what you have – no doubt in my mind.You are using your position and space to live (and in so doing create) a new kind of reality. This sometimes involves speaking up or speaking against. But for me it mostly involves being the change. Our challenge is how do we do more?